Recuerdo que trabajando en Gerona, un día de verano me tocó ir a por unas tapitas y unas cervecitas al final del turno de mañana. Miré el expositor de las tapas, y ni corta ni perezosa se me ocurrió señalar con el dedo una bandeja y dije: -Una de pipirrana,
-¿¿¿¿Pipi….¿qué????,
Me preguntaron.
- ¡! Ah perdón ¡! Una espiriñaca de esta porfa
-¿ehhhhhh?
- Un picadillo ¡¡joé!! Ummmm ¡¡Salpicón hijo!! De estooooooooooo
-No, ¿no prefiere usted unos triangulitos salados? O una ensalada de tomates pimientos y cebollas
-¡¡Ah ¡! Pues si, mire usted , una de lo ultimo que dijo me viene de perla, lo de los triangulitos salados mejor lo dejamos ¿ok? ‘esa cosa’ no la pido…que me da vergüenza, respondí.
Bueno y me tuve que acostumbrar a ‘la pechá de trabajar’ que nos pegamos los andaluces cuando salimos fuera, porque lo que toca en la tierra de uno no damos golpe, eso si , porque aquí no hay currelo… . Bueno un día decidí colgar unos cuadritos de la familia (muy común esto en mi tierra) en el cuarto…la habitación… bueno…dícese, mi dormitorio en castellano. Me dirigí a un compañero y le pregunte :
-mira tuuuu a ve si puede zer que me traiga un guarrito pa abrí el boquete pa un cuadro, ve ‘follao’ que no tengo mucho tiempo (Me miro como con recelo) si… pa un agujero
Y me dijo to serio:
-perdone no la entendí bien yo…guarrito no soy Señorita… pero sobre lo de abrir un agujero, lo haría si fuese menester pero jamás dejaría que nos viera publico…
Aun me estoy yo preguntando que coño entendió este. Así que para no causar mas confusiones decidir explicarle lo que quería con otras palabras…
-Mira pichita, que lo que yo quiero, es un trompo pa taladra la pare ¡¡hijo!!
-Pues mira nena yo para tanto no doy ¿en?
-¡¡y este!! Po na se lo pediré a tu jefe vera como me lo presta que ese ya me dijo que tenia herramienta y que ce la pidiera cuando la necesitara, hijo que estas empanao
-Perdone sigo sin…
-¡¡!!ennortao¡¡!!
Y no te digo na cuando de repente hizo su aparición el ‘terrá’.
-Hace terrá niña
-¿te… que?
-¡¡Terrá coño ¡!una levantera que pa qué
Y me contestaron
-pues si…si que hace eso que me comentas…
-¿? ¡¡Viento!! Joiaaaaaaaa¿ tampoco sabes lo que es eso? ‘nové…la tia…Esque me haces ser merdellona y zorta picardías
-perdón Manuela yo …merde ¿Qué?
-Ojuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu a ver como te esplico yo esto….a ver…. mira quilla, hay que ver en vivo y en directo a un ‘merdellón o merdellona’ para saber exactamente definir esta palabra de origen francés. ¡¡hay la llevas!! Que luego dicen que los andaluces no zemos estudiaos. Merdellón o llona: dícese de la gente que pa habla po usa palabra feas como coño….joe….etc. -
Ahhhh ¡¡como tu!!
-no joeeee, como tu madre, ¡¡coooooooooño yá…!! diiigo….’ con la paaanfida estaaaa
La verdad que lo chungo es cuando te toca desayunar en la calle y no perderse totalmente a la hora de pedir el desayuno:
-Una nube
-¿Un que?
-Un mitá porfa
-¿Un que?
-¡¡Café!!
-¿Como lo desea la señorita?
-¡¡Tus muerto!!¡,¡¡Café y ·yasta· joe¡¡ Si los nervios ya vienen conmigo que mas da ¡¡Sangre gorda!! ¡Lacio! -Y de comer desea algo
-A …si mira ponme un pitufo
-Perdone usted pero no tenemos de eso
-Ah… po un chusquito de pan
-¿¿Un queeeeeeeeee??
-¡¡Eso…eso que esta su compañero poniendo en la mesa de al lado ,pues eso mismo me como yo eha¡¡
-Es pan con tumaca señorita
-¡¡Po anda, mira que bien!! po eso, que yo no le he preguntao el nombre , yo solo estoy Enmayá mire usted y me quiero jarta comeé
-¿huevos?
-¡¡los que usted tiene ¡!
-¿Perdón?
-Naaaaaaaaada hijo, que no, que me apaño con el pan ¿Por qué pan tienen en Cataluña no?
-Si señoríta -Ahhhh.Po eso, pan, con lo que zea
Es muy importante integrarte en otras cultura, me decían, también me dicen que es importante no perder la tuya, pero yo con tanto vocablo no puedo.
Yo, pa hacerme con el tema, me fui a la primera fiesta que me invitaron. Fue un compañero:
-Hola andaluza, ¿ porque no te vienes a una fiesta esta noche?, dicen que las andaluzas son muy alegres para animar las fiestas. Esta ver fui yo la que no supe como tomarme el tema ¿no seria que este nota quería abrir algún agujero? ¿Me estaría ofreciendo el guarrito? Es que hay que estar en to y yo estaba en tierra extraña, y de pueblo una, pero liiiista como el haaaambre
-Mira tuuuuuu yo te alegro la fiesta rápidamente ,Unas palmas y un cantecito y zi hay que baila ze baila ¿a ezo te refiere tu no? ¿o es que te quieres comer algo?
-Si mi niña, es una fiesta nocturna en la playa, con bebidas y sardinas…
-¡¡Anda maharon, “una moraga con espeto” !!
-No señorita, espero no haberos faltado al respeto, Mi intención no fue esa…
-Mira chavea vámonos pa la fiesterilla marinera esa…
Y na allí me plante con el maromo sin sabe mu bien donde me metía. Allí había gente de lo mas vario pinta que parecía integrarse muy bien con el grupo, porque lo que toca yo estaba mas perdía que la cabra de mi tío Bartolo. Unos iban…otros venían y me hablaban y me hablaban y yo bebía y otro venia y hablaba pero no entendía na, al final termine hablando con un noruego muy simpático,¡¡ que hablaba noruego como nadie ¡!y mas simpático ellllllllll ¡¡digo¡¡ como que se reía y to conmigo y me hecho unos guiños, ¡¡como los mozos de mi pueblo!!¡¡ entendibles!! ¡¡ea!! po aprendí noruego y el noruego aprendió a taladrar las paredes de mi casa como nadie Mira,si vieras la de cuadros tengo colgaos en ella Mi Pepito, mi Richard, mi Marian, mí Manuela, mí José y mi rossssss y la foto de la boda ahiiiiiiiiii (suspiro) ) Si no hay na mejor que sabe idioma
-Richaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr quita lo zapato de la mezaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa zo zoqueteeeeeeeeeee
-ziiii caguiñoooooooooooooo
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